The 50 Best Comics News Headlines

50. Alan Moore Pre-Emptively Creates “Before ‘Before “Watchmen”‘”
“The difference is that I’m stealing it,” legendary creator explains

49. Local Comic Book Artist Is Local
They walk among us, almost like normal humans

48. Seinfeld To Continue As Comic Book
First issue: 24 blank pages

47. Zap! Pow! Bam! Comics!
They exist

46. Headline Writers Continue To Use “Comics” When They Mean “Comedians,” Just To Mess With Us Comics News-Trollers
Why are they such jerks

45. Stan Lee Appears In Public
Reclusive creator gives rare, revealing interview

44. Startling Secrets Revealed At OMGWTFBBQCon Panel
Multi-million-dollar companies flatter room full of sweaty fat guys

43. Avengers vs. X-Men Sparks Fresh Israeli-American Tensions
Captain America beating up Magneto considered “the last straw”

42. New Puerto Rican Wonder Woman Dies Retroactively Before First Appearance
Appeared in -23 panels, beating out Eskimo Flash’s -27

41. Artist Whom You Never Realized Did Four Different Things You Liked Is Dead
You should feel bad

40. Mark Waid Invents Digital Comics
“They’re on the INTERNET!” says stunned Randall Munroe

39. Todd McFarlane Releases New “Spike-Impaled Neil Gaiman” Action Figure
To be followed by “Hockey Player Hitting Neil With Stick” trading card

38. John Carter Intellectual Property Owners Sue Selves
“We had to blame someone for the movie, and the alternative, suing Disney, seemed less costly”

37. 85-Year-Old Cartoonist Still Alive Despite Being On The Cartoonist’s Health Plan
How

36. Cartoon Museum of Poughkeepsie Destroyed
It’s an attic and Mom gave all the comics to recycling

35. Saga Is A Saga
“It’s Brian K. Vaughn. That is pretty much all you need to know,” says otherwise blank press release

34. Comic-Book Store Exists In Your Area
Are your children safe

33. New iPad App Auto-Deletes Your Print Comics
Spontaneous combustion FTW

32. Google Doodle Honors Rob Liefeld
Uppercase G bulky, lowercase g horribly contorted

31. Robert Kirkman, Sued For Breach Of Contract, Continues Series Invincible and Thieving
Just a coincidence

30. Ghost of Dwayne Macduffie Beats Up Geraldo Rivera
“And I’m wearing a suit while I’m doing it, motherf****r”

29. Maus: The Musical
Just because

28. Comic Book Men‘s Ming Chen Finally Snaps
Feeds Bryan Johnson his own beard

27. Another Article Writer Insists That Digital Will Never Displace Print’s “Smell” And “Feel”
Digital sales re-triple

26. Ann Nocenti Renames Green Arrow: Title Now Green Bazooka
“In two more months, Green ATOMIC Bazooka,” promises cackling writer. “With MORE HOOKERS.”

25. Outrageously Unlikable Red Hood And The Outlaws Still Being Published
Come on, they take turns having sex with a joyless amnesiac in issue #1

24. Comic Strip Sylvia To Stop Being “Drawn”
Theoretically it’s also “written”

23. Single Store Owner Bans All Mark Waid’s Printed Work Because He Claims Mark Waid Is Abandoning Printed Work
No, seriously, this is an actual story, for Pete’s sake

22. Hip-Hop Star You’ve Never Heard Of Makes Comics Appearance
Nobody cares

21. Check That Bought The Check That Bought Superman Goes Up For Auction Too
“Worth a shot,” says buyer

20. “Not As Bad As It Sounds” Catch-All Review For All Stan Lee’s Original Ideas Since She-Hulk
Except “Stan Lee In HD 3-D,” which was worse

19. The Walking Dead TV Series To Produce Comic Spinoff
Like original comic, except with that weird art that’s basically ‘shopped photographic stills

18. Ultimate Spider-Man‘s Cartoony Exploding-Head Gag Proves Fatal To Spidey
“Bring on Miles Morales!” shouts Bendis, adding “Bring HIM on! Bring him ON.”

17. Marvel Offers Comic-Con Tickets To Creators In Exchange For Intellectual Property Rights
“How badly do you want to see Joss Whedon in person?”

16. Hai! Baka! Ohayo! Manga!
It exists-chan

15. Jon Goldwater Punches Rick Santorum In The Face
“Everyone is welcome in Riverdale,” he adds between groin kicks, “except bigots.”

14. Avengers Movie Turns Out To Be Motion Comic Except For Previews
“We saved so much money!”

13. Doonesbury Comics Provoke Moral Outrage By Pro-Rape Faction
Oops, we mean “anti-abortion” or “pro-life” or “pro-cramming-probe-up-into-coerced-woman’s-body-parts”

12. Following Newly Colorized Comic, Scott Pilgrim Movie Coming Soon In Black and White
“It’s only fair,” says Bryan Lee O’Malley

11. Marvel Comics Loses Bet, Has To Do Comic With Visa
Irresponsible billionaire, immortal god and federally subsidized soldier teach frugality

10. Grant Morrison Attains “Hypercomplexitudiniousness” Superpower
No longer speaks in two dimensions

9. Avatar Convention Materials Anonymously Returned
“We thought we were stealing Image’s stuff,” explains note

8. Comic-Book Ad Rates Drop To Late-Night-Cable-Channel Levels
At least the phone-in psychic looks like Professor X

7. Marvel’s “Infinite” Comics May In Fact Be Finite
Physicists disagree

6. Bane Understandable In New Cut of Dark Knight Rises
Everyone else speaks Swahili

5. 30-Second Previews of 45-Second DC Nation Shorts
Everything except the really good part

4. Superman Actually Made of Steel In Upcoming Man of Steel Film
Sequel to Transformers 3

3. You Didn’t Win The Lottery
Life is unfair

2. Frank Miller Dons Costume, Declares War On Crime and Corruption
Begins by smashing everybody’s iPads

1. All Comics Ceased Publication In 1998
Wake up, the Matrix has you

April Fool’s, as if you couldn’t tell. The real weekly news roundup will be released late Sunday or early Monday.