Abuse of privileges is something that gets talked about a lot, these days. So much so, that it’s practically created an internet catchphrase in the process. “Check your privilege” is a cry heard all across the internet, but it’s not just a male thing or a white thing, as many would have you believe. There is a little talked about privilege that is abused constantly, the cute privilege. If you’re cute, you can get away with WAY more bullshit than normal folks. Think about it, if I were to come up to you and say “You ever make out with a genetically altered one of a kind science experiment with a questionable origin story?” you would be totally freaked out and may even call the cops on me, but if Rocket Raccoon says it, he might actually get some action. The world is so unfair! Rocket is a cute privilege abuser, and I can prove it to you.
10. Rocket Raccoon’s first appearance, Marvel Preview #7, is where all this terrible abuse of privilege began. As just an ancillary character in Prince Wayfinder’s journey, he steals your attention with his cuteness and smart ass attitude from his first panel. He even gets away with calling the mighty Prince Wayfinder “Old Bean”. Who does that kind of shit? Rocket….errr I mean Rocky Raccoon (Yep he was really called Rocky Raccoon first. Inspired by the Beatles song of the same name. I now dare anyone over the age of 40 to not be afflicted by that earworm. Muhahahaha!). , that’s who. Most folks would get their asses kicked on the old bean comment alone, Rocket is just a lucky little bastard.
9. Even as an older and more grizzled version of cuteness, like he was in Rocket Raccoon #9, he still has that same don’t mess with me attitude. Let’s be honest here though, Tony doesn’t want to be the guy who kicked the Raccoon’s ass. He’s a jerk who messes with people’s lives, but he’s not an animal abuser. Also he’s probably fighting urges to pinch Rocket’s cheeks, because that fu man chu is so damn cute. This shit is out of control here, people.
8. He can even look cute when he’s surrendering, like in Rocket Racccon #1, seemingly warding off any unintended discharges or trigger happy accidents. Who wants to be the guy who shoots the cutest damn thing you’ve seen since taking this soul sucking job of be an intergalactic policeman, that’s somehow wound up chasing a small woodland creature through space? Not this guy. I wouldn’t that burden either bub, can’t say I blame you.
7. You would think interrogators would be immune to this kind of thing, but as seen in Rocket Raccoon #2, they are also no match for the cuteness. Sure they have the guts to slam his head to the table, but they never want to take it any further. They don’t want to be the ones to go home to the wife and have to answer the incessant question of “What did you do today?” with “Killed a Raccoon.” because they know it would put a damper on getting some, that evening.
6. “Hulk not want to be the one who smashes little Raccoon. I may be monster, but am no animal killer, like Trump Jr.”- What Hulk was thinking when he met Rocket for the first time in The Incredible Hulk #271. How did he know Trump Jr. would be an animal killer back in 1982? The mysteries of Bruce Banners mind astound us all. Let’s not talk about this anymore. It kind of creeps me out.
4. When someone can look cute, like in Rocket Raccoon #1, AND even have a cute response to boot, when being accused of MULTIPLE murders, this shit just isn’t fair at all anymore. I’m pretty sure if I tried this, people would just want to give me a lethal injection or the chair, but Rocket here gets his own damn solo book. Life is so unfair!
3. For a guy who sometimes claims to hate his cute privilege, he can shamelessly bring it out and even flaunt it in certain situations, as he did in War of Kings #3. Sure, Gladiator is a badass and all, but clearly the little fuzzball is the bigger abuser of his power in a situation like this. It’s just simply shameless.
2. He once had a catch phrase, Guardians of The Galaxy (2013) #2, of “Blam! Murdered you.” Notice the disturbing use of a period, rather than an exclamation point, on “Murdered you.”. He’s not some overexcited rookie starship trooper, who’s just saying stupid shit to pump themselves up, he’s a stone cold killer. Star Lord even tried to point out to him that it was kind of disturbing, the little furball didn’t even care. Sickening.
1. Even when he’s delivering the harsh truths of the world to us, like in Rocket Raccoon (1985) #3, he’s still just too damn cute. I know Rocket, everything in life is just an exercise in futility, and none of this means a damn thing. I would go sit in the corner and rock myself to sleep over this existential crisis, but my urge to just pinch your furry little cheeks somehow makes it all better.
This list is not intended to be a top ten list, but rather just a list of ten things. If you disagree with the order, because you made the mistake of assuming this was a top ten list, I am willing to nerd fight (An endless argument that can go on for decades without a clear winner.) you over the order. Even though I don’t care, had no intention of making a top ten list, or even getting into any nerd fights over the order, whatsoever. I am just that accommodating…and I’ll admit it, I like to argue about pointless shit too. Why do you think I read comics?