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Ax-Grinding: The Unoriginal Sequel

You don't know Jack

[dropcap]F[/dropcap]ans and critics alike of my recent shorts-bunching gripey post about the recycling of fairy tale tropes and other unoriginal film archetypes (vampires, penguins, Stallones) and “literary” TV concepts (medical procedural starring Dr. Jekyll, anyone?) will enjoy and/or be incredibly annoyed that I’m revisiting the subject—forced to by yet another egregious entry in the wheezy trend, the impending release of Jack the Giant Slayer. Because apparently The Brave Little Tailor isn’t edgy enough.

(You can read my original post here: Because you’d miss the nuance reading them out-of-order.)

Overeager commenters are no doubt already chomping at the bit (a good way to chip a tooth, if you ask me), but hold your flying horses: on further review—mostly focused on the seven-figure compensation of a successful soul-hocked screenwriter—I’d like to bandwagon-jump this particular trend with my own fresh takes on classic source material that is both (a) “familiar,” and therefore a shortcut for lazy studio marketing drones, and (b) in the public domain, two words that mean “free” to the accounting department. Here are my pitches for reimagined beloved classic tales and their movie poster taglines. (To anyone who thinks these sound insane, I offer two words: Hansel and Gretel. Or is that three words…?)

They forced her to live in a shoe, but never dreamed she’d use it to KICK. THEIR. ASSES. Helen Mirren is “SHOE BITCH.”

David Lynch’s “WILD GOOSE”:  They killed the Golden Goose. Now they’ll have to deal with one pissed-off Gander.

Eat curds? No. Whey. “THEY CALL ME MS. MUFFET!”

“VIOLENCE OF THE LAMBS”:  They wouldn’t stop following Mary, and now they had to GO.

Pam Grier is “MUTHA GOOSE”

From the producers of “GAME OF THRONES,” “KING COLE”:  His soul is anything but merry.

“THE DEN”: She thought she could eat their food and sleep around, but this family had other plans for her. Starring Lindsey Lohan as Goldie Lox

“LITTLE JACK”:  They thought they had him cornered, but he had more than plums in that pie.

Up above the world so high… wait, is that thing heading this way?! WE’RE ALL DOOMED!!!  “TWINKLE, TWINKLE”

Interested studio execs may contact me in care of this website with their best offers.

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um what?



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