Drunken Movie Review: Guardians Of The Galaxy

I’ve been hearing all kinds of positive things about Guardians of the Galaxy. How great the film is, how awesome the soundtrack is, how exciting the storyline is, how amazing the effects are, how cool the characters are, etc. So I finally decided to just take the time and see what all the fuss has been about.

Let me start out by saying that I am pretty easily entertained. Also I should say that I never get bored. Having said that, this was the first time in I don’t even know how long that I was literally bored to death. Fortunately there was a case of Smirnoff Ice to get me through this heinous, godawful, dreadful excuse for a movie. It was 122 minutes of my life that I will never get back. Ever. How depressing.

This ridiculous film reminded me somewhat of watching ice hockey (which I actually enjoy), but what I mean is that I spent those 122 minutes watching a big confusing mess, with everyone going back and forth, a bunch of people fighting racing around, chasing this tiny silver ball. Only there was no goal. Okay, maybe that’s not the best analogy, but whatever…

The movie started out on a pretty somber note, with some little kid not holding his mom’s hand when she died. Then POOF, a frikken UFO scoops the kid up. Fast forward 26 years later, Peter Quill is somewhere in his 30s, and we see him land on some planet with weird lizards and he’s got some bizzaro mask on. This mask, which makes no sense to me, disappears magically and he sticks on a set of headphones and starts dancing to Come and Get Your Love. Really? This amazing movie with the kickass soundtrack starts off with this cheeseball song? And the headphones??! They are the same ones he wore as a kid, the old kind with the orange puffy speaker covers. Now I had headphones like this when I was young too, and those spongy ear cushions always ended up getting loose, ripped, and fell off within a few months at most. But Peter Quill has some sort of headphone magic, since it’s 26 years later and his orange spongy things are still intact. So I’m at the opening scene and I’m already getting annoyed. Peter jams with his indestructible headphones to a really terrible opening song and does some futuristic Indiana Jones type deal and steals this silver orb that reminded me of a prototype Pokeball.  Then some bad blue guys and some dude in a hood named Ronan show up, and they clearly want the Pokeball too and they try and take it off Peter.   He gets away. Oh, and I found out Peter is called Star Lord.

Okay, so Peter is part of some group called Ravagers. I’m under the impression at this point that they are like space thieves or pirates or whatever. Peter goes to sell the Pokeball  and the dude who was going to buy it gets freaked and backs out of the deal. Then there’s a green chick, Gamora, who is sent by hood guy to steal the orb that Peter stole. And the people on the planet have pink faces. Gamora has an unnatural high kick which she uses a lot in the movie. I mean it’s really high. She missed her calling as a Rockette, I think. Then a tree and a raccoon are there. They seem to want Peter but not the Pokeball. Or maybe they did want the Pokeball, I’m not sure. Hold on, there’s a tree and a raccoon here! I decide I like the raccoon because he reminds me of my cat, but I think the Ent is ridiculous. Then all 4 end up in jail, I guess for fighting in public and scaring the pink-faced people of the planet. I’m fairly certain a fine of disorderly conduct would be appropriate, but they end up in prison. I think I saw John C. Reilly, too. What a way to introduce all the characters. Just shove them all instantly into the same scene at once. Easy enough. I think I’m on my 3rd Smirnoff by now.

So everyone’s in prison. The tree calls himself Groot. And the raccoon is named Rocket. Then a big bluish dude with some weird red marks all over his body is there. I’m wondering if the red marks are scars. Would blue skinned people have red scars? No, the red marks seem to have some sort of pattern to them, so maybe he got tattoos. Big blue man is called Drax the Destroyer. Drax wants to kill the green chick. I check the time and realize that I’m like 45 minutes into the movie and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!!!! Nothing. Am I the only one who sees this? I have no clue what’s going on and I’m beyond thankful that I’m drinking, because this is ridiculous. I think there was some explanations of why Drax wants to kill the green chick, but it didn’t seem to matter much to me since it didn’t appear to have absolutely anything to do with anything. Rocket turns out to be some sort of MacGuyver and tells Peter, Groot, Gamora and Drax how he plans to bust them all out of prison. Wait! I thought they were like, enemies, aren’t they? They were all just fighting a few minutes ago! Why the hell are they all working together now?? Why the hell is there a frikken tree in this movie?!?!

So they all escape. Together. On Peter’s ship. I guess they don’t impound prisoner’s spacecrafts in space. Convenient. They all fly to Knowhere, which is a head. Or a planet. So it’s a big head. I don’t remember the story of the head I just know they mentioned spinal fluid, which I thought had no business in a head at all. Maybe the head still had a few vertebrae attached to it. The green chick says she’ll split the money her contact promised her if she obtained the Pokeball. There’s one of those pink faced people there and she seems to be some kind of slave. She opens the Pokeball and, no wait…The Collector opens it. Then pink slave gabs it and says something about not wanting to be a slave anymore. There’s this bright purple light and pink girl implodes. And the purple light seems to destroy lots of stuff. God, how far along in this movie am I? WHAT IS HAPPENING??!! NOTHING! There is no story here! And I forgot to mention how absolutely terrible space looks in this movie. It’s like some ugly yellowy red nebula. Just a mess of CGI. Who hired the guy to create space for this movie? Has he ever even looked in a telescope? Aren’t nebula like full of gas and radiation and literally suck matter from around them into it and…okay. Space in this movie is not believable to me. It’s ridiculous. Nobody could live in a head in a nebula. Whatever. I’m mad now. At some point Peter puts his indestructible headphones on Gamora and she listens to Fooled Around and Fell in Love. Ugh. Who thinks this “Awesome Mix” is actually aw. esome? I’m moving onto my 6th Smirnoff. Again I’m thankful I’m drinking. A bunch of stuff happens, and Gamora ends of floating in the nebula. I’m sorry, she’s floating in space. And she’s freezing at a slow rate. So Peter jumps out to save her and puts his fancy disappearing mask which has abilities that are never explained, or I just didn’t hear it, on Gamora, so even though her body is slowly freezing into a block of ice, at least her face will survive. And Peter is freezing now, too. Seems he can hold his breath for a really long time since he doesn’t die. IT”S SPACE! HOW IS PETER EVEN ALIVE RIGHT NOW??!! Whatever!

So at this point, Yondu shows up and abducts Peter once again with what looks like the exact same ship he abducted him with when he was a kid. Only this time, Gamora is with him. Rocket, Drax and Groot are back in the head forming a plan to rescue Peter and Gamora from Yondu, Although I don’t remember feeling like Peter and Gamora were actually in any real danger regarding Yondu anyway. The 3 show up and Rocket is threatening Yondu with one of his MacGuyver-like weapons unless he releases Gamora and Peter. And Peter tells Rocket it’s not necessary. So, I guess I was right thinking Yondu wasn’t much of a threat anyway. Which is also kind of sad, considering Yondu and his Ravagers are supposed to be some band of bad-boy misfits or space pirates or whatever, yet I never get the feeling like Yondu ever actually makes anybody walk the plank anyway.So, for me, this is just another example of wtf is going on? If I’m supposed to believe this Pokeball is so important, then what was the point of this whole part with Yondu? I mean, did he really even need to be in this movie? I’m sure there are other ways to learn Peter’s childhood abductors were tied to his biological father in some form or another. What does any of this have to do with getting the Pokeball back? You know what? It doesn’t even matter.

Anyway, Peter and his buddies are back on his ship, the Milano, making plans to go get the Pokeball back. I don’t remember what happened to it, but it’s gone. And they want to get it back. Seems like there’s an awful lot of plan-making happening in this movie. Rocket has some kind of plan involving yet another one of his MacGuyver-like weapon inventions. With all the plan-making and weapons constructing, I decide Rocket would be super handy to have around in a zombie apocalypse. Or any kind of apocalypse, for that matter.And maybe even a Pokemon tournament. Okay, okay, that was unfair… Peter pipes in and says he’s got a plan of his own. No, I’m sorry, he has a PART of a plan.Like a plan-lite. More specifically a 12% part.. Ugh, seriously? There have been so many unfunny jokes in this movie by now that I’ve forgotten that this movie was supposed to be a “classic” according to all I’ve heard, and and I find THAT funny instead. I’m wondering where my sense of humor has gone? I decide my sense of humor has left the building the same time any actual humor did. The jokes just feel so scripted, so forced, so fake. I’m even starting to brace myself for the sound of canned laughter at the parts clearly designated for laughing. Yet again, I’m eternally grateful for these Smirnoff. I finish off number 8. Cheers to your 12%, Peter!

Then suddenly! Holy shit! An actual awesome song plays from the Awesome Mix tape in the movie with the awesome soundtrack! Cherry Bomb has put me in a much better state of mind. I’m smiling now, FINALLY a good song! And you know in movies, they usually tend to save the best songs for the best parts! Like going after the Pokeball maybe? Or going after Ronan perhaps? Or like Gamora ,Drax, Rocket, and Peter dressing up in matching uniforms! Wtf? They’re playing Cherry Bomb to just see Team 12% in matching outfits? Awesome. I’m speechless. I think they showed them walking in their matching clothes in slow motion as well. Either that or it just felt that long to me.  I then think how convenient it is to have a spacecraft with a wardrobe vast enough to fit all sizes and species. Good thing Peter Quill had the foresight to stock the closets.

Now it’s time for everyone to go after Ronan. And the Pokeball. There’s a total melee of crashing and fighting and a gold net of good guy ships from Nova? Or The Nova something or other…THE GOOD GUYS. They are completely surrounding Ronan’s ship and actually kind of getting killed off at the same time. The whole ship-net actually looked pretty cool, though I guess this method is not a first, as I’m told by my friend that this maneuver was first executed on Star Trek. During all this fighting, the tree seems to be a bonus to have around, since he’s literally tearing these bad guys apart. Now Ronan’s ship is plummeting down for a huge destructive, fatal crash landing back on the planet of the pink people. Groot proves to be super beneficial to have around yet again, as he’s kind of growing around his buddies, creating like, a safety cocoon which I’m guessing is intended to save their lives. I started wondering how they’d survive crashing into a planet inside a tree shield, but it looked pretty dependable with all the leaves and such to serve as a cushion on impact. I think I also remember Groot conjuring up a ton of fireflies at some point earlier in the movie. Everyone survives this crash except Groot himself. It seemed kind of unfair that the tree couldn’t also grow around himself as well.

Of course Ronan is still alive and he’s got his hulked-out hammer and he’s looking like he’s about to get on with the killing. He makes fun first, calling them Guardians of the Galaxy, which doesn’t really make sense since none of them were actually lawmen of any sort, and a dig like that would have been more insulting to the fallen fighters of the Nova whatchamacallit. Anyway, I’m figuring there’s going to be yet another fight when the lamest thing happens. Peter starts singing “Ooh Child” and breaks out into some frikken idiotic dance. This just goes beyond dumb. I can’t even think up an appropriate adjective for what’s happening.  So Peter is making an ass of himself to yet another cheeseball “awesome” song for a sudden dance-off against Ronan. Then Ronan actually asks Peter what he’s doing. I hate when this kind of shit happens. The bad guy is about to kill someone but pauses to asks questions first. Smart.I mean that really really gets to me. A villain can be this genius mastermind, but when it comes down to the most important kill, they sudden;y become brain damaged. So, somehow the purple stone that caused all that destruction way back in the head, is loose and Peter snags it. He looks like he’s going to implode when Gamora, Drax, and Rocket and hold hands with Peter and nobody blows up. And they kill Ronan.

Peter gives Yondu a decoy Pokeball, which he must have been carrying around with him ever since when?? Don’t even care. The Nova guys are given the real Pokeball with the purple stone in it for safe keeping I guess. I still don’t know why anyone would want this purple stone. It’s not like the tesseract or anything…is it?  So, Peter finds out he’s a half-breed and Yondu is now the proud owner of one of those hideous lucky troll dolls with the florescent hair. Peter finally opens this present he’s been saving since his mom died, and surprise surprise, it’s another “Awesome Mix” tape. I’m seriously doubting it’s awesomeness and his mom’s taste in music. And Groot is now a root. Everyone flies away together and I slam my 10th Smirnoff, stand up, clap and cheer, because it is FINALLY over.