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MINE? DO NOT WANT: 5 Rejected Orange Lanterns

Larfleeze and the Chocolate Factory

“Mine!” is the battlecry of our Character of the Month Larfleeze, as he lays his beady eyes on something that he wants – invariably turning out to be everything that he sees. He’s so selfish, he’s the only living member of the Orange Lantern Corps, barring a brief stint by Lex Luthor. But who else could wield the orange ring of voracity? Who could challenge Larfleeze as the epitome of greed in the DCU? Who could turn Larfleeze’s “Mine!” into “DO NOT WANT”? Let’s look at some other characters who could have been the avatar of avarice!

1. Scrooge McDuck

Orange Lantern Scrooge McDuck

Donald’s uncle would have made a fine Orange Lantern – his greed made him the richest anthropomorphic duck in the world!  Plus he’s Scottish, so he’s got that going for him.  But what are the odds of a Disney character signing up with DC now that Disney own Marvel?  Zilch.

2. Augustus Gloop

Orange Lantern Augustus Gloop

The first child to fall in Willy Wonka’s gauntlet of temptation, the gluttonous Gloop certainly has the appetite for being an member of the Orange Lantern Corps.  But the last time we saw Augustus, he was being escorted away by Oompa Loompas – Wonka’s lil orange slavefolk – never to be seen again!  Are the Oompa Loompas working for Larfleeze?  Are they Orange Lantern constructs themselves?  The investigation continues.

Larfleeze and the Chocolate Factory
Larfleeze and some Oompa Loompas, yesterday

3. Mr Greedy

Orange Lantern Mr Greedy

Roger Hargreaves’ second Mr Men creation is so greedy that he once ate a cake made out of cotton, mud and toothpaste (although this was the work of the nefarious Mr Mischief, the swine!) Whilst his lust for food make him a viable candidate for the orange ring, there’s one thing stopping him: he’s pink. Obviously he should be a Star Sapphire.

4. Gordon Gekko

Orange Lantern Gordon Gekko

Greed is good” is the maxim of our fourth candidate, best known for his mentorship of Charlie Sheen in 80s movie classic Wall Street. Rumor has it that city banking mogul Gekko was close to taking the role of Orange Lantern, but ducked out of Blackest Night at the last minute due to his commitments to appearing in Wall Street 2, which we’re sure he regrets. Can you picture Larfleeze running around yelling “greed is good” anyway?  Of course not.

5. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Orange Lantern Very Hungry Caterpillar

Eric Carle’s classic creation‘s claim to greediness is that it ate for seven days straight and then (spoilers!) turned into a butterfly.  But you know what?  Eating for seven days straight isn’t particularly greedy.  By my math, I’ve been eating for about 10,000 days straight.  Couple that with the fact that if it were to turn orange, the caterpillar may well eat itself (it loves fruit – I’ve seen it, there’s holepunches all over my copy) and you have yourself another failed Orange Lantern.

So what have we learned?  Well, not counting Michael Douglas, the results show that characters from children’s books are G-R-E-E-D-Y. In honor of these candidates who fell by the wayside, let’s recite the Orange Lantern oath… oh, it’s not been published yet?  It’s likely to make an appearance in the Larfleeze Holiday Special out next week?  Good luck with that, Geoff Johns – everyone knows nothing rhymes with orange!

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Comments (4)

Great list, bro!! I especially like the Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Jordamus Prime

Amazing. keep it up man your articles are easily my favorites on here haha.

hahah! This is great. I could not stop laughing at the Caterpillar

Skott of Fables

Wow…just wow and amazingly funny!

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