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Wednesday What If …? Bodily Functions Edition

Out of Time

You had to know this was coming. How many times have you thought about all of the “what if” types of things related to your favorite characters? How many “who would win” fights have you posed on message boards or Facebook just hoping that someone can really answer with a more meaningful answer than “Batman wins?”

Now is the time, people! Now is the time to join me here on this journey into the What If-ness. Take that step outside of the stuff you see in your comics, the lines that you memorize, of the contents of the utility belt that you know by heart. Think deeper.

I have already explained how there is not enough Pepto Bismol in the universe to help Galactus when he has a tummy ache. How about other heroes? Why do we really enjoy reading about Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman? What is so appealing about Storm, Sara Pezinni, or Angela? The answer is in the question.

What If… Superheroes and Villains were slaves to their bodily functions just like real people?

What IfSo, are you thinking about it? Batman, on his way home from a late battle with Penguin, decides to give in to Robin’s incessant begging about going to Taco Bell. He eats three bean burritos. The next day, during a monumental battle with Bane, he rips the loudest fart you have ever heard. Bane just looks at him, shakes his head, and says, “Really, man?”

What IfClark Kent is out to dinner with Lois Lane and they are having burgers and fries for a nice down home kind of time together. For dessert, they split a chocolate malt, both romantic and cost effective for a couple of reporters. As they finish, Clark lets out a resounding belch that shatters every window in a 5-block radius.

We already know that Wolverine can drink and drink and drink and not really feel the effects of the alcohol, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t get the squirts the next day if he isn’t careful. That would be the best day to wear his brown costume. Careful there, Wolvie, no heavy lifting.

She Hulk #1What about female superheroes? Are there regular everyday issues that you are glad you don’t have to read about? Thankful to not have the new She-Hulk #1 sponsored by Kotex or Stayfree? You won’t like her when she’s angry… Of course, that may explain why Wonder Woman is so bloodthirsty. Hmm…

Shaving, allergies, even a common cold. All of these are things that you never really see the heroes and villains deal with. What about getting a flu shot? And why is that?

People want to read comics to escape from the real world. No one wants to read about an embarrassing scene where Flash has to take a dump on the Justice League Satellite and stinks up the whole place because he forgot to give a courtesy flush. But, it would be kind of funny.

What IfAs long as you know that you will always have me to write about these things, your minds can stay occupied with how many minutes it would take Batman to defeat the entire cast of Glee in a musical medley showdown. Or which superhero or superheroine should come out as gay or lesbian next. Or how stinky Swamp Things farts must be… ugh, pure methane!

Thanks for indulging me on this journey of the senses. Next week, who knows, you may actually learn something. Tune in on Wednesday, True Believers, for the answers to the most burning questions in all comicdom, right here on Wednesday What If…?

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