Surgeon General’s (*) Warning: Too much seriousness in your brain while reading the Wednesday What If can lead to being easily offended, anger issues, and possible loss of temper. If necessary, leave one comment and rant your heart out. Otherwise, just chill out, it is all in fun.
I sat here this week thinking about how many characters in comics were of some unstable variety. Whether clinically unbalanced, as The Scarecrow or Joker, or just cuckoo, like Deadpool and Madcap, there is such a list to choose from. And sometimes it is hard to tell who the sane ones really are, especially when they all run around in tights and capes.
We have seen some characters really crack up in their regular books. Injustice: Gods Among us is one good example. Superman was pushed over the edge and RRRIIPPPP!! Out comes Joker’s heart. Wolverine has had his mental whatevers as has Bruce Banner and Tony Stark, although his was alcohol induced. Even Speedy was a heroin addict. Evil Ernie is a killer, Lady Death is the daughter of a demon lord of Hell – everyone has problems.
What if superheroes suffered the same mental issues as normal people?
Well, not normal people since that would be people with mental problems, but you understand what I mean. Stop arguing semantics with me! What is wrong with you people, geez.
Ok, now, where were we. Oh, yes, super villains of all kinds have been crazy, but we never really see a superhero that has a mental issue, and not like schizophrenia. Maybe just OCD, Asperger’s Syndrome, or an eating disorder. Not that any of these are not debilitating disorders that make life hard, even impossible, to deal with, but there can be lesser levels of symptoms.
Can you imagine reading 20 pages of Superman having to reclean the toilets and wash his hands again and again? He would fly off to fight crime and just as he is about to catch the villain, he would have to stop and straighten a picture. And then straighten it again. Or if he had to stop and recount how many links were in the kryptonite chain Lex Luthor had chained him up with.
What about Captain America with Asperger’s? Or Tourette’s Syndrome? Every other frame has to have something bleeped out. Imagine he is saving a cat from a tree for a little girl and starts cussing like a dirty sailor. This could get interesting.
That is just the mental side of things. What if Superman had diarrhea? Every time he farts he breaks the sound barrier and he is like blasting crap through the bathroom floor. No Indian food for you, Kent.
Oh, enough of this. Geez, you guys would think that I was as crazy as a rogue eating a banana. No idea. It just is a thing. I hope that you found this week’s column enlightening and, if not, at least thoroughly confusing. If you want some zaniness every week, please return to my cathedral of craziness and see what falls out of my mind next week or check out previous columns.
Please comment about what sort of ailments you would like to see a superhero suffer from.
(*) not the real surgeon general, and not even a fake one, I just made that up